Agony

Agony

“Read through a soldiers, a fathers, one second in life while he compares his world which he cares about to the one he is presently in”

I have been waiting for her reply. Wondering if she even received the last two letters I sent as she had always replied to all the others quite promptly. Even though I have been posted twelve different cities since I last saw her; the letters have only helped me pass through this time easier. Right now, my team and I are in the middle of nowhere. Literally. This is a no-mans-land and we are breaching it to reach to the other side of this meaningless battle. I love my country and am, indeed, one of the most patriotic person anyone has met but I feel sometimes that even the smartest people don’t have the right perspective on something that’s happening so far away from them.

Having been on this mission for almost a year now, I can confidently write on a paper and sign with my blood that this war is going to turn into nothing but a set of orders executed in real life. There is no cause; there is no end to this.  We are like the chess pieces that only have the power of showing our capabilities and belief once we are commanded to.

This is the reason that I am not interested in being here. I want to go home, to a place where love is not ordered, killing does not get happiness, and tears are not for the people who have gone but for the person who has come back to his love.

She is my angel, my one beam of light that helps me get through each and every dreaded day away from her. I really hope she is in good health as I haven’t heard from her in a while now and hope to hear her voice in my ears, whispering to me, shouting out loud about the happenings in her day. If only I could be with her all the time to see her smile, and laugh with such innocence and perfection that no one else can even come close to. Her laughs still reverberate in my ears every time I think of her. That sound, so peaceful gets me through the bombings like right now and the shear sadness, which is embedded in the voices of the crying, mothers, children, and families.

I hope I get to see Julia, my daughter, soon enough before God takes her away with Cancer as an excuse. 

Insatiable punishers

The first time I heard them fight with such vengeance was sometime as this two years ago. Now, they’re just a part of my life even though I have never seen them or even heard of them. But, I have, certainly, heard them on the other side of my bedrooms wall.

There was once when I could almost feel her being thrown against the wall again and again till, be the end of the night, he walked out slamming the door and leaving the house in shambles. The reason all of this is in such detail is because I can hear ever footstep, slap, slam, thrash, or throwing of a vessel. There are a lot of times I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. “Am I imagining all of this?” I often ask myself but then instantly there’s another strong vibration on the wall or a loud noise, which takes me back to them away from myself.

You might think I wait for this every night to hear the things going on in their life but that is incorrect. Its just inevitable for me to hear and go through their fights night after night even after trying many different methods of blocking out myself from the noise.

It sure is hard for me to live in this small confinement with the noise and lack of food, water and equipment to do basically anything but I guess that’s how a human’s body learns to adapt to almost any environment. I guess that’s the beauty and disadvantage in a way. Disadvantage, I would say for me, as I haven’t had the opportunity to consume anything more than the package of semi-liquid that is thrown into my confinement while I have passed out I say ‘passed out’ as I’m not quite sure of the time or day and I tend to randomly wake up not remembering when or what I fell asleep to. I did try and keep a track of both but over two years it’s really hard to be able to keep track of time.

I always wondered if they would ever come around to releasing me from this confinement rather than taking me out for their pleasure.